LOVE.

Over the last two weeks, I haven't felt compelled to write anything. I've failed at the basic tenet of Circles, composing one post a week. I tend to have quiet personal conversations with the Lord, and am more comfortable in that alone, rather than with sharing His work in public. This is I'm sure why He brought me to Circles, to be more open in my faith, and I'm trying, but things are slow.

Four days after I turned 18 (more than three years ago), I got a tattoo on my ribs. It is a verse that I've loved since I was 14, so I figured it'd be something that could be with me forever and a tattoo would be a great daily reminder. It looks like this...

Again, I got this three years ago, but because of the spot it's in, it stays hidden to the public and myself. It isn't a small tattoo either, but I always forget I have it. Yet, I haven't felt God pointing at it more than now.

Also, I've been writing the same lyrics on my wrist every day for the last two weeks, because they speak to me so much: "Love it will not betray you, dismay or enslave you, it will set you free..."

Hmmmm... Is He trying to tell me something?

Last month, God put the word PATIENCE on my heart, and right now He's added another. Everywhere I look, it seems, this word is in my face, and that word is LOVE. This word is hefty in all its meanings and applications, and I'm looking forward to how God uses it in my life, but the first way I think He's doing that is through forgiveness. I have a habit of giving people second and third chances, then writing them off completely, particularly in matters of loyalty and trust. As the phrase goes: fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me... and the worst thing a person can do in my eyes, is talk negatively about me behind my back, particularly since it always gets back to me anyway. But writing people off, or limiting our forgiveness is not what God calls us to do. We're supposed to love until we're exhausted, blue in the face, and not just love the people that deserve it, but those that don't.

Sigh No More by Mumford & Sons

Jekyll and/or Hyde

How do we resolve two prominent aspects of our personalities, when one seems to conflict with the kind of life the Lord has laid out for us? This week I've definitely felt the pull of my conflicting persona, I'll say. What I'm talking about is not some personality disorder, but a natural conflict of humane desires and interests which conflict with God's sanctioned behavior. I've realized that I have two sides to myself. One is sweet, shy, loving, practical, cautious and enjoys spending a night curled up at home with a movie. The other is loud, sarcastic, confident, spontaneous and prefers to go out to an awesome rock concert. The difficulty I'm finding is that the second persona is so much fun and uninhibited, but it can get and has gotten me into trouble. The quieter one is much safer, but also way boring. I know that this quieter one is the more conventionally Christian of the two personas, but my issue lies in that both are parts of me, parts of who God made me to be as a woman. I'm finding difficulty keeping my louder persona in my new life with God. I don't want to lose that me, but I want it to fit better.

Also, I've decided to put a song at the end of each of my posts that reflects where I'm at, or just what I've been listening to... drum roll please...

Barton Hollow by The Civil Wars

Heavy Loads

Come to me, all of you who are tired from carrying heavy loads, and I will give you rest. -Matthew 11:28

This personally poignant verse found me today. It's easy to carry our baggage, our troubles, our pains around with us. I even take on other people's stuff so that they don't need to go carry it all alone. But lately I've felt spread very thin by my stuff, so much so that it is difficult for me to help others with theirs. It is important to remember that God will help us in our burdens, even shoulder them for us, and He'll allow us rest, even at the times when sleep feels absolutely unattainable.

Culturalist to Restorer... Fingers crossed

How amazing was last night's service??!!? Firstly, the worship music was so perfect and I just felt like it was the most personally powerful and focused worship I've participated in in a long time.

The message of restorers, culturalists, and separatists spoke to me so much because I'm so guilty of being a culturalist! Quite frankly, it's a lot easier for me to just got with the flow of those around me, to a degree. But, it's been weighing on me how chicken I am to become a restorer, because most of the people in my life are not believers. So that distinct difference is magnified. I find myself searching for the right ways to bring about God in a way that doesn't alienate them from me. I've tried to live the right way (and failed at times), and hoped that in setting a good example, my friends and others would ask me about it. But that's not the right way either, because as someone said during yesterday's meeting, if you're in love with someone you want to do a happy dance and tell everyone about that person. So being in love with the Lord, why then do I hide my faith or minimize it??

I'm so grateful for the opportunities through Circles to get involved, and I'm praying that maybe through this introduction to discipleship, I'll get the push I need to really share my love of the Lord.