It's been far too long since I've blogged...I think I was waiting for something big to happen in order to spur some profound insight into my walk with Him. Instead, I've found myself busier than I've ever been, and so spent and exhausted, that I'm not sure I would've noticed His work anyway. I'm worried that I've spread myself too thin in every aspect of my life, except my walk. That's what has been compromised. It's easier to feel obligated to show up for class or work or friends in need, because my professors, bosses, and friends will get frustrated with me if I fall short of my commitments to them. In the to-do list of life, I've found other things have taken precedence over Him.
The Lord doesn't yell at me when I sacrifice my quiet time, because I accidentally slept in too late, or because I've got to study for a midterm. He doesn't freak out if I'm unable to follow through for Him. However, I am beginning to realize that my failure to step up for God, has spurred a much more subtle rebuke. It's weakened me. I didn't need to get fired, or get a failing grade to realize that I'm not upholding my end of the bargain. I'm normally a strong individual, able to withstand a lot. But, the absence of God in the way I spend the first fruits of my time, has given me an inability to cope with stupid everyday stress. Last night, I broke down in front of God and couldn't understand why He'd given me too much to handle. In my desperate prayers for strength, He reminded me of the story in Matthew 7:24-27 of the wise and foolish builders...
24 “Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. 25 The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. 26 But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. 27 The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash.”
But I have a relationship with the Lord, and so my foundation is firm and unshaking right?
Well, yes and no. My love of Christ is SO strong, and I've never felt more devoted to Him in my walk or my life, but like every relationship, we're going through a rough patch. Work and school are insane and I'm neglecting the Lord. I've been sacrificing my time with Him for other things. I haven't been tending to my foundation the way I used to, and so it's strength is compromised. I know that that Lord is giving me stress, anxiety, and utter frustration so that I will turn to Him for rest and obedience. Alright Lord, my first fruits are yours...
