I must be present in the Lord's gifts.

Lately, I've been asking the Lord for a lot and have been trying to pursue Him, but I'm realizing more and more that I need to be more grateful for where I'm at. I have a tendency (as the title of this blog suggests) to want to push past the present to reach some greater purpose or experience in the future. This is disrespectful towards the Lord, because He gives us each day here on Earth to use it wisely. It's a gift, and as the saying goes, "there's a reason they call today 'the present.'"

The Lord is present with us...

God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. - Psalms 46:1

So then why can't I be present with Him and His gifts every day?

We are confident, I say, and willing rather to be absent from the body, and to be present with the Lord. - 2 Corinthians 5:8

I've trying to push myself to be more grateful for where I'm at, and to express gratitude and praise for Him in every day. It helps me to be more present in the joy found in the little things He does for me each and every day. I'm going to write down 10 things everyday that I am grateful for, gifts from the Lord that may or may not be small, but that are not less gifts.

http://nofearoffailure.blogspot.com/

...simply because I love Him

Today's devotional read:

"Have you ever been driven to do something for God not because you felt that it was useful or your duty to do so, or that there was anything in it for you, but simply because you love Him?"- Ozzy Chambers, My Utmost of His Highest

Then 15 minutes later, my friend's Instagram post read:

"When you feel like quitting, think about why you started"

I get it Lord...

From the Bottom of Life's To-Do List...

It's been far too long since I've blogged...I think I was waiting for something big to happen in order to spur some profound insight into my walk with Him. Instead, I've found myself busier than I've ever been, and so spent and exhausted, that I'm not sure I would've noticed His work anyway. I'm worried that I've spread myself too thin in every aspect of my life, except my walk. That's what has been compromised. It's easier to feel obligated to show up for class or work or friends in need, because my professors, bosses, and friends will get frustrated with me if I fall short of my commitments to them. In the to-do list of life, I've found other things have taken precedence over Him.

The Lord doesn't yell at me when I sacrifice my quiet time, because I accidentally slept in too late, or because I've got to study for a midterm. He doesn't freak out if I'm unable to follow through for Him. However, I am beginning to realize that my failure to step up for God, has spurred a much more subtle rebuke. It's weakened me. I didn't need to get fired, or get a failing grade to realize that I'm not upholding my end of the bargain. I'm normally a strong individual, able to withstand a lot. But, the absence of God in the way I spend the first fruits of my time, has given me an inability to cope with stupid everyday stress. Last night, I broke down in front of God and couldn't understand why He'd given me too much to handle. In my desperate prayers for strength, He reminded me of the story in Matthew 7:24-27 of the wise and foolish builders...

24 “Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. 25 The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. 26 But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. 27 The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash.”

But I have a relationship with the Lord, and so my foundation is firm and unshaking right?

Well, yes and no. My love of Christ is SO strong, and I've never felt more devoted to Him in my walk or my life, but like every relationship, we're going through a rough patch. Work and school are insane and I'm neglecting the Lord. I've been sacrificing my time with Him for other things. I haven't been tending to my foundation the way I used to, and so it's strength is compromised. I know that that Lord is giving me stress, anxiety, and utter frustration so that I will turn to Him for rest and obedience. Alright Lord, my first fruits are yours...

Proverbs 5:3 "For the lips of an immoral woman drip honey..."

Lately, I have had numerous conversations with girls and guys about the effects of dating in their lives. Being around mostly single 20 somethings, it is bound to come up. I've also questioned this aspect of my life numerous times, because the Lord has had some interesting twists and turns for me. (I've since resolved this with Him, by faithfully pledging to remain single and without a mindset of pursuit throughout my last year of college, meaning no dates, no cuddle buddies, no sloppy nights out, or friendships that aren't strictly platonic. We're shelving that for a while.)

But I've found it difficult to point my friends to the right path, since I myself have not been perfect. A few of them have said, "I just really want someone to casually hang out with, cuddle with, and have as a companion," or "What's the harm in just kissing someone?" They are trying to find loopholes in the nagging convictions they feel when they're careless, and this is something we've all done. When posed with these questions, I found myself at a loss for words. The Lord says that those wonderful perks are blessedly given to those that do so while following Him, when the motivation for the relationship is rooted in a faithfulness to God. This, of course, doesn't sit well for people that are used to finding people in bars or in very superficial situations. Then yesterday I read Proverbs 5 which is all about adultery (not just in marriage) and essentially pokes holes in every one of these protests and loopholes. It shines light on the excuses we come up with to rationalize our behaviors and make them okay. He calls us on our crap...

My son, pay attention to my wisdom;
Lend your ear to my understanding,
² That you may preserve discretion,
And your lips may keep knowledge.
³ For the lips of an immoral woman drip honey,
And her mouth is smoother than oil;
⁴ But in the end she is bitter as wormwood,
Sharp as a two-edged sword...

The passage continues to lay out exactly how immoral actions lead to death, that's it, and if you're questioning the behavior, it is probably immoral. But I like the analogy between lips that appear to drip honey, sensually sweet and delicious, and the true bitterness of wormwood that they actually possess. There's a juxtaposition of appearance and truth here, and that is important. Satan takes a little piece of truth and makes it false, yet in so doing, it is understandable to us and easily infiltrating. So I ask that when posed with the lips that drip honey, you see them for bitter wormwood, and trust that when the Lord wants you to see true honey, He'll make it obvious.

When faced with questions personally and from friends, I hope to have the strength and boldness to speak up and not allow the issue to be sugar-coated and made palatable. I sent this verse to a few of my friends, and was pleasantly amazed with the responses. Most of them expressed how "funny" or "weird" the coincidence of the text was, but that's how God works. I felt encouraged to continue to help light the Lord's path of righteousness for those the find their paths dimmed or darkened by struggle and questioning, and in doing so, continue to strengthen my resolve in this area and my relationship with Him. I'm grateful also that I've got this passage in my pocket the next time the questions are asked.

Strawberry Swing - Coldplay

"Alright, Lord, I get it...I get it. It's all yours."

I've been trying to find a quote which encapsulates fallen humanity, but have been unsuccessful. I was hoping to find an eloquent way to say that because of our idols, our spiritual battles, and our own free will, we humans are extremely foolish. I know that I need to be smacked around a bit by God before I get the hint. I tend to fall on my face two or three or nine or ten times before I realize what I'd been staring at all along and listen to the Lord.

There are few things that interfere and obscure my relationship with the Lord like my idols, and I have a nasty habit of listening to my own stupid interpretations of meaning in them. Despite my intense love of the Lord, and my joy in living the life He planned for me, I messed up. Yet again, I fell and bruised myself on the my distractions, and again, He picked me up, brushed me off and asked, "Are you finally ready to do things my way?"

I have never in my life felt conviction in a physical way like I did then, my face flushed, red hot, and my anxiety went through the roof. This was no longer a small loving nudge in the right direction toward Him. This was a full-on scolding, complete with timeout and punishment. God was not happy with me and He wasn't being quiet about it. His aforementioned question wasn't really a question, but a strong expression of control. He has this, and I have got to take a backseat. "Alright, Lord, I get it...I get it. It's all yours."

I've never felt so taken care of, than in that moment of complete and total surrender. Not only was He extremely unhappy with me, but even then in that anger, He loved me enough to take everything in my life and work it out for me. I can relinquish control and things will turn out better, and for a worrier like me that's enormous. Even in the last week, I have a renewed focus. My relationship idol is no longer in the picture, it's truly gone. The Lord has filled me with my long-lost creativity and a desire for experience in everything. I've never written so much as in the last week. I'm blown away because the calm that I felt wash over my heart, was one that I've never experienced before. Thankfully a week later, it's still there. I'm still calm and content, and ardently expectant of the awesome and shattering next moves He'll make in my life, in my heart. I'm so blessed to have a Father like Him.

Catch the Wind by Donovan

LOVE.

Over the last two weeks, I haven't felt compelled to write anything. I've failed at the basic tenet of Circles, composing one post a week. I tend to have quiet personal conversations with the Lord, and am more comfortable in that alone, rather than with sharing His work in public. This is I'm sure why He brought me to Circles, to be more open in my faith, and I'm trying, but things are slow.

Four days after I turned 18 (more than three years ago), I got a tattoo on my ribs. It is a verse that I've loved since I was 14, so I figured it'd be something that could be with me forever and a tattoo would be a great daily reminder. It looks like this...

Again, I got this three years ago, but because of the spot it's in, it stays hidden to the public and myself. It isn't a small tattoo either, but I always forget I have it. Yet, I haven't felt God pointing at it more than now.

Also, I've been writing the same lyrics on my wrist every day for the last two weeks, because they speak to me so much: "Love it will not betray you, dismay or enslave you, it will set you free..."

Hmmmm... Is He trying to tell me something?

Last month, God put the word PATIENCE on my heart, and right now He's added another. Everywhere I look, it seems, this word is in my face, and that word is LOVE. This word is hefty in all its meanings and applications, and I'm looking forward to how God uses it in my life, but the first way I think He's doing that is through forgiveness. I have a habit of giving people second and third chances, then writing them off completely, particularly in matters of loyalty and trust. As the phrase goes: fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me... and the worst thing a person can do in my eyes, is talk negatively about me behind my back, particularly since it always gets back to me anyway. But writing people off, or limiting our forgiveness is not what God calls us to do. We're supposed to love until we're exhausted, blue in the face, and not just love the people that deserve it, but those that don't.

Sigh No More by Mumford & Sons

Jekyll and/or Hyde

How do we resolve two prominent aspects of our personalities, when one seems to conflict with the kind of life the Lord has laid out for us? This week I've definitely felt the pull of my conflicting persona, I'll say. What I'm talking about is not some personality disorder, but a natural conflict of humane desires and interests which conflict with God's sanctioned behavior. I've realized that I have two sides to myself. One is sweet, shy, loving, practical, cautious and enjoys spending a night curled up at home with a movie. The other is loud, sarcastic, confident, spontaneous and prefers to go out to an awesome rock concert. The difficulty I'm finding is that the second persona is so much fun and uninhibited, but it can get and has gotten me into trouble. The quieter one is much safer, but also way boring. I know that this quieter one is the more conventionally Christian of the two personas, but my issue lies in that both are parts of me, parts of who God made me to be as a woman. I'm finding difficulty keeping my louder persona in my new life with God. I don't want to lose that me, but I want it to fit better.

Also, I've decided to put a song at the end of each of my posts that reflects where I'm at, or just what I've been listening to... drum roll please...

Barton Hollow by The Civil Wars